"Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV, Internet and MasterCard through us. Your phones must come from one of the other companies. What does your bill say?"

"My bill is 134 pages long."

"Oh, you're one of our light users. And if you sign up for your local phone now, I can give you one-third off cellular long-distance to friends and family who have an Internet home page." . . .

Dial. Ring . . .

"Good morning! This is BellAtlantic-PacTel-Sprint-GTE-LittleCaesars."

"Little Caesars? You do pizza?"

"You buy it over phone lines. It's content. Would you like extra anchovy?"

"Uh, not now. I called because my phone line isn't working right."

"I see. Do you have your phone over your cable, or over a phone line."

"A phone line, I think."

"Then that's not BellAtlantic-PacTel-Sprint-GTE-LittleCaesars. My file shows you get cable TV and video games from us, but in your area we only offer phone service over cable." . . .

Dial. Ring . . .

"Hello. Endorphin Enterprises."

"I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number."

"You're probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We used to be USWest-UUNet-UniversalPictures-Ameritech, or UUUUSA, but now we're Endorphin Enterprises."

"Okay . . . I was calling because my phone line doesn't seem to work right."

"What services do you have with us? We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable, satellite TV, Internet, gas, electric, music-on-demand and so on. But, then, so does everybody."

"Yes, well, it's gotten confusing. I already called the other companies with long names."

"Oh, right. Okay, I see, it looks like you don't have anything at all with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all the services so you'd know who to call. Except in your area, we only offer movies-on-demand over the Internet, so that could be a problem."

"No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed."

"You must get your local phone service through AT&T. They're the only ones left."

Dial. Ring . . .

"Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking."

"Bob Allen? The chairman? I'm sorry. I wanted customer service."

"No problem. Hold on . . ." Pause (rustling sounds). "Customer service, Bob Allen speaking."

"Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service."

"This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love it. I'm getting paid $55 billion dollars this year."

"Well, sir, my phone line doesn't work right, and I think I need someone to come fix it."

"Be right there . . . as soon as I can find my tool belt."

Click here to read the previous editorial: The Challenger and the Champ Talk back to the editor, we welcome your opinion. or call Business Automation at (602) 264-9263